Even the hardest men can turn soft

I’ve been writing quite a few downer blogs lately, so I think I’m gonna write a few upbeat and positive ones for a while. Life is beautiful and should be celebrated just as much as it is mourned, if not more so! Just to be warned, they may get sappy and make you wanna throw up a little in your mouth, but all I have to say is either rejoice and be glad along with me or…well…don’t read it. It’d be a lot more beneficial to everyone if you chose the first option though. Life is a lot easier to enjoy when those around you are enjoying it too! Anyway, on to my sappy blogs!

So, bout two years ago something happened to me. Something that I never in a my lifetime did I think would ever happen. I especially didn’t think it’d happen to me in my early 20′s. I met a girl. Well, ok, I’d met lots of girls before this, but I should say I met THE girl. She could stop my heart or make it beat so fast it felt like it was going to shoot out of my chest, either with just a glance. I hadn’t even really talked to this girl yet. We had had one interaction before this in which I was in my 05 Nissan 350Z and she ran up to the side of my car and blurted out, “WILL YOU MARRY ME!?” I politely declined as I figured no girl in her right mind would run up to some stranger and ask such an obscure question. Little did I know that eventually, she would indeed the girl I would be desiring to ask that very question.

A couple months of random text messages and little sightings of each other here or there were about the extent of our friendship. Eventually I got the courage to start asking her to hang out, all with a sad no as an answer due to her hectic work schedule. Finally, one night, she said yes! I was blown away. She passed on the haunted house visit I went on with some friends, but joined us at Bdubs post haunted house. She came over for a bit afterwards and that was that. Well, the next day I asked her if she’d like to hang out again, to which she surprisingly said yes. Yet again, blown away, I jumped to see how soon she would be available. Turns out, the very next night worked perfectly for both of us. She picked me up, and we ended up at Caraba’s much to my surprise as I thought I had suggested Cancun. Apparently I was so nervous I mixed up restaurants. None the less, we had an amazing time together. A few dates, a couple weeks, and half way up to chicago later it was official: we were a couple.

Over the passing months I began to fall completely in love with this girl. I mean like, SERIOUS love. Like, that kind of love where you can’t help but smile everytime you see their face. That kind of love where when you’re having the crappiest of crappy days, just the thought of them will get you through it. That kind of love where it seems like the world is moving in slow motion when you’re together. Yeah, THAT kind of love. The kind this self proclaimed tough, bad-ass said he’d be staying away from for a VERY long time.

A few more months go by and things started to turn south. Tensions were frequently, feelings were easily hurt, and harsh emotions ran rampant in our relationship. I let a lot of my past control my present. Anger, fear, and aggression became more common than trust, love, and gratitude. Recognizing that this was not where she belonged, she made the right move. She broke it off. She recognized that we both had a lot of growing and maturing that needed to happen if we could ever happily be with anyone. I was crushed (as I’m sure was she). I had finally decided that I could open my heart to someone and they were gone, with no hopes of returning. In that moment I felt like the only woman I was MEANT for was gone…forever. In late July I got a text from her informing me she was moving to Arizona and asking if I wanted my stuff back. That day was harder than almost any other because at that moment I knew in my heart that this was it….I said no more than thanks and goodbye to her that day. It was all I could do to keep my composure and not seem weak without her, though I was.

Fast forwarding a year and a half of breaking hearts, making poor choices, and falling pretty far from the God I proclaimed to worship something happened I never saw coming: I spotted her car. But it couldn’t be…she moved to Arizona. But it was. I’d recognize that 2008, black scion tC with TYC aftermarket taillights, spoiler, and IU license plate anywhere. It was hers. Why was she here? Was it just for the weekend? It had to be. No one would ever move back here from Arizona. But I was wrong. Two weeks later I see her driving through the Marsh parking lot as I was walking out. Then it happened.

I sign on to facebook to see I have a message in my inbox. Nothing unusual, I get messages all the time about random crap. This time was different. It was from her. She had written me telling me she hoped all was well and that she still remembers how much of a blessing I was in her life. WHAT THE HECK! I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to think. I definitely didn’t know what to feel. So a week of praying, consulting, and listening to God, I wrote her back. Probably one of the longest and most thought out e-mails I’ve ever written. Took three days just to figure out exactly what I wanted to say. It had to be perfect. I laid it all out there. I told her exactly how I felt, how I had felt, and that I was so thankful not just for her having been in my life, but making the decision to leave it as well. I waited patiently. Then I got the response. Bright pink font reminding me of her with every word.

I decided I couldn’t take it any longer. I HAD to see her. So I wrote her. I asked her to meet me in the Town Hall at church. She didn’t have to say a word. I just needed to see her. I needed to hug her, feel her in my arms again. I told her I didn’t want to know her answer. Just show up if she wanted to, and if she didn’t, I wouldn’t think any less of her. That whole weekend my stomach was in knots. I had never been so nervous for anything in my life. I walked around, waiting…watching…then I saw it. That bright blonde hair and green shirt walking across the church. I approached from behind, tapped her shoulder, she turned, and we hugged. I felt like I could hold her forever. I didn’t want to let go, but we did. We smiled and made small talk. It was like nothing had happened. Like we were never apart.

We talked and texted the next couple of days and I finally asked her on a date. We had both wanted to just take things slowly, not getting too deep too quick. We were both wanting the same thing, just to take things slow and see what happened. Well….that night we agreed on something else. We were both madly in love with each other and knew that God placed us together for a reason: to be together, forever. So I asked her to be my girlfriend again, right there at dinner. She smiled, her eyes twinkled, and she said yes. I had never felt better in my life than in that moment. Over a month later, and I know I couldn’t be happier. She’s the one that can make this hard man as soft as a tissue.

I’m writing this blog for quite an intentional purpose. As much as I’d love to believe that every relationship would stay in that “moment” where that’s how you feel 24/7, I acknowledge that that’s just not realistic. I know that I will love her for the rest of my life, there’s never been a doubt in my heart or mind about that. I also know that I will always be more excited to see her than anything/one else. That will never change. I wanted to preserve that moment though. I wanted to have something to revisit when life gets tough, when things aren’t always going just EXACTLY like we’d like them to. Not as a reminder that I love her, but as a reminder of how lucky I am to have someone that can make me feel this way. I want a reminder of how I felt on that Sunday morning where our eyes met for the first time since we broke up. I want to be able to revisit the emotions that ran through my body and soul that night I picked her up to go out for drinks. I want to share my joy with everyone that I can so that maybe it will trickle in to their hearts and they might feel as lucky and joyful as I do, everyday. Erika, I love you. I always have, and always will.