Ambulances are faster than limos…

…but they are a hell of a lot more expensive!

So, Wednesday night at work I had a temporary black out episode and was rushed to the hospital by…you guessed it, an ambulance.

It was almost closing time and I felt an immensely sharp pain in my nostril and noticed it was bleeding, so I immediately went to the back of house to stop the bleeding. That’s about the last I really remember until waking up on the floor surrounded by paramedics, scared, confused, and still really out of it. But even a lot of that is a bit fuzzy. The next thing I completely remember was being in the ambulance and heading towards the hospital. Once I was completely aware of what was happening, I felt decently fine outside of some lingering light headedness and a sore nose/face (presumably points of contact). 

I was so fortunate to have two really excellent people be there for me in the ER, Jess and Sarah. It’s always nice to have people who care about and support you in times like that. Especially since anyone who knows me, knows that I don’t really enjoy being in the hospital or having IV’s stuck inside of me. I’m very grateful for both of them and their presence last night, so if either of you are reading this, thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I would also like to thank everyone that was at work at the time that helped in keeping me safe and getting me the medical attention that was needed. I’m not entirely sure who all was there, or what parts you may have played, but if any of you are reading this, I am forever grateful to you as well. 

I’m still working on piecing everything together, but from what I’ve been told, after stopping the bleeding, I headed back to the front of the store and shortly returned to the back where I sat down and ended up on the floor from there. The dr at the ER said I potentially burst a blood vessel in my nose which could have possibly been the cause of the blacking out. After a relatively short visit, and a few tests (head, heart, and blood) I was released and told I was fine and needed some rest and fluids. 

Still no real verdict on what actually caused the burst blood vessel or the black out. One of the thoughts is that I “go go go” too much and don’t rest enough. Valid as that may be, I have no intention of really slowing down. I just need to take better care of my body while I’m going so much. Better food, better fluids, better living.

For those that I didn’t tell immediately last night, everything just kind of happened so fast and I wanted to be able to just tell the whole story as few times as possible. So here it is. I feel fine now, and I’m sure I wil continue to. Gonna take a lot more than something like that to keep me down.

The Only Constant Is Change

There’s this feeling, or maybe experience if you will, that I’m sure we’ve all faced at one point or another. I suppose I can’t say with 100% certainty that YOU’VE all experienced or felt this, but I know I have. Many times actually. In fact, even within the past year, month, and week even. I also am very aware of the fact that I’ve been the cause of this very experience/feeling myself. It’s that feeling when you’re at like, the height of anticipation for something you KNOW is coming. You’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting, and the moment is so close you can almost taste it. Your heart feels like it could beat out of your chest at any second. You can’t stop shaking with excitement. But then….but then something happens.

A twist is thrown into the mix. Something changes and alters the course of whatever it is you were so patiently and faithfully waiting for. You’ve been SO good about waiting for this moment and now it’s not going to happen. You feel betrayed, confused, furious, sad, and above all disappointed. This was not your fault. What happened? What did you do to deserve this? You’d been so incredibly patient and diligent in waiting. Why this sudden change? It’s moments like that we can feel at our worst. The one thing we’ve been counting on for so long has just been torn apart in front of our eyes. Our one constant has now become unreliable and contains the ability to not conform to what we had hoped.

There’s an As I Lay Dying song titled “The Only Constant Is Change“. If you get a minute, you don’t have to listen to the song, but at least do yourself a favor and scope out the lyrics. The chorus is simply “The only constant is change, nothing remains the same.” I absolutely love that line, but feel like it’s missing one very important part to it. A sort of caveat or asterisk that should be added to go along with this theme of what is actually “constant”.

One thing I learned a long long time ago was that I could depend on one thing, and one thing only, “people will always let you down”. At some point in our lives, we will be lied to, stolen from, betrayed, blown off, had birthdays/anniversaries/etc.. forgotten about, and the list goes on by almost everyone we encounter. Now, before the “awww, that’s so negative! It’s not ALWAYS true” comments begin, let me just say this: OPEN YOUR EYES! I’m not being negative at all, it’s just not a feel good hallmark statement to make that unfortunately so many people live on. It’s the God’s honest truth. I dare anybody to look back and say that they’ve known one single person to never, EVER let them down in any capacity. If there’s someone out there that can do that, please give them my contact info, otherwise get off your high horse and let’s get real here. I’d also like to point out that I’m not just speaking about other people, I’m speaking about myself as well. I know for a fact there’s not one friend I’ve had over the years that I have never let down somehow.

Ok, so if the only constant in life is change, and the only certainty is that people will let us down, what hope is there? Just as much as before. A lot of people assume that because change is constant, we have nothing we can count on. If you ask me, THAT’S the negative way of looking at things. The positive way to look at them is to realize that every day we have is brand new, and presents us with brand new opportunities and people to share this constantly changing journey with. And here’s a thought…if something DIDN’T happen that you wanted to happen, there’s a pretty good chance you’re better off for it.

So what about people? Why would you want to be friends with anyone after completely coming to the realization that every single one of them will let you down? Well, for starters, we’re called to love EVERYONE. Know what that means? Not being afraid of being hurt. Not being afraid of what might happen if you let your guard down. Not letting disappointment dictate your attitude towards others. Not letting the fear of rejection control your decisions. Fear confines and bonds us to a very sad and lonely reality, where as the freedom from fear opens up the world that God created for us to live in. If we can live without fear of what others could do to us, we can start to grasp what God’s been talking about this whole time when He speaks of our ability to love unconditionally and without question. I mean, let’s be honest for a minute here, if God acted towards us the way we act towards others because of our disappointment in the generality of mankind or even someone in particular, not one of us could be ever be redeemed or forgiven.

Anyone who’s actually close to me knows that I’m in an incredibly interesting part of my life. Not that we all aren’t, but I’m surrounded by an evenflow of change right now. The thing that’s actually been kind of cool though is realizing that a. the only constant is change and b. that people will always let us down has helped me get through the past few months with a unique attitude that I’d never really felt before. I’m no longer gripped with the pains of fear. I’m not living out of desperation anymore. I’m just living. I’m not afraid to be upfront with what I expect. I am not weak. I am not what people want me to be, I am who God made me to be and I accept and welcome change. I’m ready world, do your worst!

True Freedom Comes From Forgiveness

With Thanksgiving coming up I’ve seen a lot of people posting for the “30 days of being thankful” or whatever it’s called. I definitely understand that premise behind this idea. I think it’s beneficial if those participating realize the real point behind it, to create a sense of being thankful everyday, not just for 30 days. I must admit though, it’s created a slightly different thought in my head and heart.

Ok, so thankfulness comes from a heart of being grateful for something, yes? Ok, agreed. My thought though is how can we be truly thankful or grateful for something if we harbor thoughts of evil, guilt, or hatred towards another person? If our hearts are clouded by darkness, how can we pour light out? Now, that’s not to say that it’s impossible to be happy or thankful for things, but it does cause one to wonder just how truly happy or thankful we are if we hold onto this negativity.

I’m not judging anyone who is participating in this, nor am I saying any of you have no reason to be thankful, so hear me there please. I think it’s incredibly awesome that you’re doing this and support you 100%. This is also more of a self reflection than a personal attack on anyone, as 98% of the idiocy spewed through this keyboard onto this page is.

So what bitterness do I harbor? Well, I hope as of yesterday none currently. But, a big topic of discussion for me has been my somewhat recent engagement being broken off. There were a lot of reasons for this, none of which I’m going to go into, but one important element here was we had been down this road twice before. Not the engagement route, but we did date twice and it was ended twice. Over the course of 4 years and now three break ups, I’ve never been able to forgive her for her choice to end things (though it was definitely the right thing to do each time). My heart was shattered into smaller and smaller pieces every time and I held onto this overwhelming feeling of blame towards her.

I was at service the other night and it was all about forgiveness and what that does to us inside. I instantly thought back to the last service I heard on forgiveness where the pastor talked about the fact that holding blame of something over someone is also keeping them from being completely free. We are holding them back in our hearts, along with ourselves.

It was like a shotgun blast to the chest when I combined the two messages. “What am I even holding onto here? What good is this doing me? NONE! It’s keeping me from the true freedom. It’s keeping her from the freedom that she deserves. Who am I to place blame on anyone? NO ONE! I am but a man, an idiotic, selfish, and pathetic man, and true judgement comes from God. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do it to myself or to her. As hurt as I may still be, and as painful as this is, blame is not something I have any right to be holding onto. It’s time to let go. It’s time to forgive.”

That night I composed a letter to Erika. Very short. Very simple. I laid out why I had to say what I had to say and then said it. “I forgive you Erika.” I thought about mailing it, but decided that in order for me to feel any real sense of peace about it I needed to know she got it. I needed to be the one who gave it to her. I needed to feel myself release the bondage of blame I had held onto for so long. So I did just that. I drove down to Avon and when I arrived her car wasn’t there, so I looped around the parking lot to leave and just save it for another day, but as I was pulling out she pulled in. I got out, shakily said hello, handed her the note and painfully walked away.

I can’t be for sure if she read it. I can’t be guaranteed that my intentions behind it were properly conveyed. I don’t know how she will take it. I don’t even know if it’s something she really feels she needed. At this point there’s the question “well..why didnt you just tell her instead of giving her a letter if you wanted those answers you weak pathetic excuse for a man?” HA! I say to you. It’s true though. I am weak, and incredibly pathetic when it comes to her. Which is exactly why I did it that way. I could barely even say hello I was shaking so violently inside. Not with anger, but with fear, nervousness, anxiety, the list goes on. I knew that if I tried to say it with words, what I wanted to say never would have gotten said.

So what’s the point of all of this? Why right now? The answer is simple: Freedom. I don’t know a single person who would say, “Oh no, I LOVE being a slave to myself or someone else! I hate the notion of being free to live my life and not have some sort of chains of oppression holding me down. Best feeling ever.” Nope, don’t know a single person who would say that stuff, myself included. I wanted to be free. I wanted Erika to be free (at least in my mind, she may have considered herself free 3 months ago, I don’t know). I know that the road to forgiveness is a long and hard one, but it doesn’t get any shorter if you don’t start it.

There’s one more, VERY important thing that needs to be said to conclud this. A lot of my friends have expressed concern that I would go back to her someday as I have twice. Now more than ever they may be thinking that. HEAR THIS! It’s not happening. Just because I have forgiven her, does not mean that I in any way think we can work or that I want to revive something that just isn’t there. One thing I know now better than ever is that chasing ghosts will always leave you empty handed. I love her, I do. I probably will until the day I die. Do I think we’re right for each other? Not at all. I can finally say that. For the first time in the four years we’ve been doing this, I can honestly say that. We both deserve better than what we were to each other. And if you ever read this Erika, please know that I realize what you did was right and am thankful for all that we shared.

Remember, forgiveness does not mean friendship. You can forgive someone and still never say another word to them. You don’t just forgive to revive a friendship that has been damaged. You do it to repair a hole that’s been created inside yourself. Sometimes this leads to a refreshed friendship, but not always. In this case, that’s not what I’m after. I just want us to both be free to be happy. May we all be free and happy and remember that forgiveness is hard, but holding onto blame forever is even harder.

Blood Runs Thick

It’s been quite some time since I’ve posted something here, and it’s unlikely another one will come anytime soon following this one, but after this weekend I feel the need to jot some stuff down. It’s probably going to be a little jumbled at parts since I’ve got a lot to share, so bear with me….or don’t read it. No worries either way.

Ok, so since last whenever it was I poured out whatever nonsense I had in my head, it’s been a wild ride of life. Re-ignited things with Erika, got engaged, celebrated, shit fell apart (again), got unengaged with, then spent a few weeks feeling pretty sorry for myself, making a lot of really poor decisions and drinking myself stupid. Good times….

The problem with all of that is since things were called off, I haven’t really done anything to process through the fact that in a few months time, I was set to be married to someone I had been convinced multiple times was my “one and only”. That obviously didn’t pan out so well. I met with my mentor group a couple weeks ago and finally realized why I was in such a bad place this time.

Things are different when you break up and break off an engagement. I had a plan for my life being set in motion, one that I had been hoping and praying for for so long it’s just stupid. Then in one swift conversation, that plan is destroyed. It’s like you can literally see your life falling apart right in front of your eyes. It’s a pretty confusing and devastating feeling really. But, in the midst of that it gives you a chance to let GOD’S plan be revealed as opposed to YOUR plan.

Ok, so fast forward a few months and here we are at this weekend. I decided I needed to get away for a bit, go back to where my heart truly is, Kentucky, where I’m from. Took off early Friday morning and returned late Saturday night and it was magnificently perfect. It helped me realize a handful of things about me, my family, and my life.

For me, it helped me realize just how much I miss my family. I don’t know if I’ve ever truly been as bummed as I was this time to leave them in my rearview. The last time I went down was with Erika so she could meet them all, so it was a little different going down this time to have to explain what happened, why, and how I’m dealing with it. In that same breath though, it felt good.

As far as my family goes, it just reminded me that no matter how messed up my family can be, they are the best family a guy like me could ever ask for. There’s not a single person in my family that wouldn’t drop every thing they were doing in an instant to help me with whatever I needed. They’ve always been incredibly supportive of me, and their love for me shines through more and more everytime I see them. I’m beyond blessed to have the family that I do, no matter what. I just hope they know that I’d do the exact same for them, and that I love ‘em all with every bit of my heart.

My life has been a whirlwind of absolute insanity the past few months. Very few things have made much sense to me, especially some of the decisions I’ve made. Here’s what’s absolutely beautiful though: No matter WHAT ugliness and destruction this life throws at me, I will NOT let it break me. I will not fall apart at the seams. I will NEVER be defeated by this world. I won’t let the actions of others dictate my next step. I refuse to accept mediocrity. I will rise up every time, stronger, smarter, and with a bigger drive to keep going. I will let no person destroy what I’ve become. I’m stronger than that, we all are.

So the next time someone tries to destroy you, throw up those deuces and walk the fuck on. I don’t know about y’all but I don’t have time for that mess. I’m done messing around. Time to be who I was made to be, and not who I’ve let others make me out to be.

The moral of all this is life is too short to be wasted on anything. Make every day count and every action memorable. Do nothing with envy, spite, anger, or hatred. Rather, do things with love, care, passion, conviction, integrity, and honor. Don’t let this world destroy you, it’s not worth it.

A Father’s Love

Just a quick note: The baby I am holding is NOT mine. She will be explained later .
Anyone who knows me at all knows three pretty basic things about me: I love jesus, I love people, and I do no like children…at all. Strange, I know, to love so much, yet, have such a distaste for something to most people can hardly take their tear filled eyes off of. Before you begin your judgement, let me explain some things as to potentially help you understand my statement.

One thing that few to some people (or anyone that actually reads this dribble) knows about me is that over the past three years I’ve been dealing with some fatherlessness issues. And most likely anyone that knows THAT also knows that I didn’t grow up with the most normal family in the world. Both of my parents were pretty depressed when I was a kid and even growing up (before the big reveal by my former father) I knew my dad was a little different, so I did not receive the same childhood most of my cohorts were blessed with. “So what? Your childhood wasn’t awesome, most kids’ aren’t these days, what’s your point?”

Here’s my point. Because of my poor upbringing it absolutely terrified me of the notion of children. I wanted nothing to do with them. I had convinced myself that I would destroy a child in some way or another. Well, this fear then began to translate into just a distaste for children all together. I let me fear consume and control me. This may not make sense to you, but it does to me. Regardless of if it does or not, the fact is that in 25 years of life I’d held 3 kids (now 4) up until Saturday, 2/3 of which I held like they had the plague because I had no idea what to do with them. I had decided I just wasn’t meant for kids and was perfectly fine with that.

Well something’s happened. Saturday was Christmas, and while so many were happily enjoying time with their families, I was slouching further and further into a pit of numbness towards mine. Very slowly counting the minutes before I could retreat to my next set of plans. I had been incredibly blessed to be invited over by my great friend, pastor, and mentor David Bell for brunch with his family. I was more than eager to oblige and joined them around 1030. David and his lovely wife Betsie had just bore a baby girl named Janie not even two months ago. The Bell’s already had two boys that I enjoyed thoroughly, so I was very excited to meet the newest addition.

Within 20 minutes of sitting down I had an arm full of precious baby, gazing deeply up at me, assuredly wondering who this strange tattoed man with the large beard was. In that moment my heart began to sink further into my chest than I had ever felt it, but at the same time get full of something I had never in my life thought was possible. I was not only comfortable holding this little girl, I was overjoyed to be doing so! In that moment where our eyes caught, I felt more full of life than I have in so many months, and years even. I was holding in my arms a beautiful creation of God and love.

As the morning progressed and I watched the Bell’s as a family celebrate Christmas together, the boys sharing their newest toys, Betsie and David exchanging small kisses and “I love you’s”, all the while everyone celebrating something even greater than Christmas: family. My heart had never been wrecked like it had that morning. As I partook in helping clean, organize, and prepare for David’s new television that his wonderful wife had been diligently saving up for, a question arose, “Daddy…can we watch The Grinch with Mr. Johnny?” “I don’t know boys…does Mr. Johnny want to watch The Grinch with you?” I’m not sure I’ve ever answered yes to something so quickly in my life. I wanted nothing more than to sit on that couch with those two boys in their respectively adorable pjs and pj coats watching one of my favorite childhood christmas cartoons, a story of a cold hearted being that wanted nothing to do with family that caught a Christmas miracle in his heart and realized that he had been fighting against something greater than him all along. Sound familiar?!?! Yeah, it did to me too.

So as I drove away from the Bell’s house that afternoon, I was overcome with joy and began to weep heavily as I realized something unbelievably transforming: I WANT TO BE A FATHER!! I want that feeling that I know David and Betsie (and I’m sure SO many other parents) get when their children say, “I love you!”. I want to hold something in my arms that I helped create. I want to start new family traditions. But most of all, I want to show my children the love of a father that my father in heaven has shown me. I want to be a dad.

As mind blowing as this may be, it’s all very true and very real. I may come from a pretty messed up background with a disturbingly dysfunctional family, but I wouldn’t trade any of that for the world because even though it drove me away from wanting it family, ultimately it’s allowed me to have an even bigger passion for doing it right. I can learn from what I’ve been through and hopefully not make the same mistakes, even though realistically I know I will sometimes, but all I can do is hope and pray that my children will see and understand God’s grace, patience, and forgiveness as it is intended. I’m not sure I’ve ever been more excited about anything in my life. If you didn’t believe in Christmas miracles before this, you better start.

Your Grace is Sufficient

If grace is mercy, and mercy is the greatest expression of love, and if God IS love, then God IS grace, and God IS mercy. But what is an expression of these things? Forgiving when no one thinks you should. Letting go of ourselves for the sake of others and to live kingdomly. Grace is acting in a way that can only be lead by God, since God IS grace. To live by God is to live by grace and mercy. You canot have one of these things without the others. Love conquers all and will be the true testament of grace and mercy. To love is to forgive. To love is to let go and be free. To love is to open yourself, willingly, even if it doesn’t make sense or you think you shouldn’t. To be full of grace is to be full of mercy, and to be full of mercy is to be full of God, and to be full of God is to be full of love, and love is the greatest power of all. Love will lead us into greater things. Love will push us further than we thought possible. Love will motivate us to become the people we have been called to be. Grace, mercy, love, and God. God’s grace is sufficient for us.

Shepherds, sheep, and wolves

So, I recently came across this diagram that splits people into four different categories based on personalities. It’s supposed to help a sales person get a read on someone and change their sales approach based on that person’s personality. For example: Someone who is listed as “directive” is someone that just wants the facts about what you are trying to sell them. They don’t want small talk, they don’t care about anything but cold hard facts and benefits. So, instead of buttering up their personality (i.e. expressive) you just tell them everything that can be found on paper about your product. Anyway, reading through this information has caused me to do some deeper thinking and break it a part a little bit more and in one less category. I feel like the world is compromised of three basic types of people: shepherds, sheep, and wolves.

SHEPHERDS:
Shepherds are the people out there making choices. Not just the big choices that we all see, but all the way down to little choices that make a HUGE difference and impact. A shepherd is someone who isn’t going to succumb to the waste of the world and let the things they believe be tainted by the deceitful nature of the wolves. Shepherds have a very strong, but not overbearing personality. They take command in tough situations and provide the confidence needed when things are unknown. Shepherds are the people that we turn to when we are lost and have little to no direction. They are the ones that will never turn their backs and are as loyal as it gets. They will do anything in their power to make sure no harm comes to anyone. They are protectors by nature. Shepherds care about more than what most people will ever see. Shepherds are the ones instilling confidence and strength in others.

SHEEP:
Sheep are like the way things are. Sheep don’t make a whole lot of choices on their own. Sure no matter who you are, you make choices, a sheep’s choices are usually just revolved around the choices of the shepherds. Sheep are scared of the possibility of failure, so a lot of the time they won’t try. Sheep are very confident in what they know, not what they don’t. Sheep live for the group around them, and are in so many ways just as loyal as the shepherd, just to a smaller community. Not that they don’t have the capacity to branch out, they’re just content with where they are. Sheep are very trusting, but at the same time, very cautious. They know there is evil lurking around and don’t want to be blindsided. Most sheep have already been attacked and don’t want it to happen again, but feel defenseless a lot of the time. Sheep are very quick to put their guard down. Sheep are the ones that will love you like crazy and always be by your side. Sheep are some of the best friends you’ll ever have.

WOLVES:
Wolves have one mission and one mission only: to get what they want at any cost. Wolves will always present themselves as something else, more typically than not they will be a “wolf in sheep’s clothing”. They will also impersonate a shepherd in order to gain the ability to control weaker individuals who can’t see through the facade they put up. Wolves are people that wanted so bad to be shepherds but couldn’t figure out the key ingredient they were missing: selflessness. Wolves want to be shepherds because they see power in shepherds, power that they want to use for themselves, not the benefit of others. Wolves only care about themselves and what’s best for them. It doesn’t matter who gets hurt, so long as the wolf is victorious. Wolves are corrupted by greed and power. Wolves will attack at any moment without hesitation or regard. Wolves have no standards, values, or convictions. Wolves are malicious, deceitful, miserable, and incredibly lonely people.

So there you have it. Which one are you, or will you be?

Since You’ve Been Gone

So, it’s been almost a month to the day since my heart was once again shattered by the same person as two years ago and I decided to chart my progress since. I would love to say that I’m further along in the process this time around, but somehow I feel like I’m actually further behind. This could be due to a few things I suppose, but one pretty big thing would be my best guess. Last time I drank/smoked myself stupid for a long time after the fact, ultimately resulting in the inability to think about the events that took place. This time, I have done my best to make a valiant effort in actually thinking about what happened and how I feel about it. I mean, I guess this makes the most sense to me anyway. Last time, I didn’t think about it, this time I AM thinking about it. Seems right that last time I “moved on” quite quickly and this time seem to be stuck, right? Or is it just me? I dunno. Either way, I feel like I’m not making any headway in all of this. So far, I’ve moved forward, just to be reminded of something and then all of a sudden this tidal wave of movement backwards hits me and I feel like I haven’t actually gone anywhere after all’s said and done.

I mean, how can a month of separation still cause such pain when I’m force fed images of her thanks to my inability to delete her friends that I became friends with on that glorious internet portal that is facebook? How can I really be moving in any sort of positive direction when someone brings up what happened and I can’t help but either shut down or lose control? How can I legitimately believe that my heart is in any better shape now than it was a month ago when I’m at my loneliest and all I can do is fight the urge to call her? I mean, COME ON! This is fucking ridiculous. The whole situation really. I keep trying to tell myself to just get over it and move on. Problem is, I’m stuck. I can’t seem to go forwards, and I’m most certainly not going to go backwards, even though it feels like that’s what keeps happening. What good is this? None really. I keep trying to tell myself that I’m not going to let someone have this power of me, but for whatever reason I’m not as strong as my words, though I’d love to be. I keep trying to convince myself that this is just temporary and tomorrow will bring something new, but the only new I find is new pain that wasn’t there yesterday.

I also can’t help but wonder what’s going through her head in all this. I mean, is she anywhere near where I am at this point? Or has she managed to get over this and push forward? It would seem easier for her to do since she made this decision, but at the same time if she truly felt even half of what she told me over and over again that she felt about me, then she would probably not be a whole lot further progressed than I am. BUT, she always was really good at getting over things quickly, so I really just don’t know. She told me last time she never could get over me/us and that it was always a horrible comparison game when it came to anyone else. Has this changed now that we’ve tried again, and come to the same end result? Was the past 8 months enough for her to realize that her life truly is better off without me? Does she now know, with all her heart, that I was never the one she should have been comparing people to? None of this really matters anyway, but it’s just the shit going through my head at the moment and I feel like if I don’t put it somewhere, it’s just going to stay up there and go nowhere.

Here’s the thing I think I’m having the most trouble with at the moment, what do I do now? I mean, yes, the fact that the same fucking thing happened again is a pretty good sign to me that it is, and always will be, completely over. I in no uncertain terms ever wish to see or speak to her again. I mean, if this is what it took for both of us to figure this out, then I guess that’s just part of God’s grander plan that I will never understand. What I do however understand is that after 8 months of pouring everything I had into someone, and for that someone to now be a ghost is really fucking hard for me to handle sometimes. I can’t seem to make any sense of any of this and that is less than helpful in every way. Another thing I DO understand is that I have no idea how long this healing process is going to take, and that scares me. I’m scared of figuring out what’s next without somewhere there with me to figure it out with. For the first time I’ve made a promise that I’m going to figure me out before I even think about bringing someone else into the mix, and that’s beyond terrifying because there’s A LOT of stuff inside that most of you will ever know is there. Hell, I don’t even know it’s there most of the time until it’s somehow spurred by something.

I end with this: Ultimately whatever’s happened, has happened, and whatever will happen, is going to. I have to stop forcing things that aren’t meant to happen, happen. And I have to stop ignoring the things that ARE supposed to happen. God will always be so much bigger than I am and His plans are beyond anything I could ever fathom, and I somehow need to find peace and comfort in that. As we all do.

The Last Good-Bye

DISCLAIMER: Just as a fair warning, this post is full of raw, uncensored, and personal emotions. I will in no way every apologize for the words written below. This is my way of beginning the emotional healing process as it pertains to my breakup last Sunday evening. If you’re not willing to accept that, please read no further.

It was the late fall of 2007 and things were starting to look pretty good to me. I had finally moved out of my parents house, and into a house that was located very close to a lot of my friends and the stuff I liked to do. At the time I was involved in the college community at Grace Community Church and one of the guys who also attended brought a girl that for the next year or so I would unexplainably be attracted to. I didn’t know her, what she was about, or anything about her. All I knew was that everytime I saw her, I got happier. I knew there was no way that someone like her would ever be into someone like me, so I never made an effort. I just smiled and said hi and went on.

Fast forward to late fall of 2008, and we have somehow exchanged numbers and I’ve made a few attempts to hang out with her, all resulting in it not happening. Our schedules didn’t mesh, etc.. Well, finally, one early november evening we managed to go out to dinner. Neither of us really thought of it as a date, but it somehow ended up that way. For 7 months I got closer to her than any other person in my life. She was everything to me, and I wanted her to be with me forever. Well, shit got bad, and she did the right thing and ended it. Neither of us were ready for what I was hoping we were heading towards.

I spent the next year and half drowning myself in all sorts of different ways to try and avoid dealing with all the fucked up stuff going on inside my heart. I had felt a pain I had never felt before in my life, and I didn’t want anything to do with it. I wanted to block it as much as I could. Unfortunately I tore a lot of people up in the process. People that didn’t deserve to be hurt the way I hurt them. I will never be able to truly apologize to them, but all I can do is hope for forgiveness. That year and a half I had completely shut myself off inside. I didn’t want to feel love anymore because all it had brought me was pain. I didn’t want to open up to anyone ever again because all it did was bring disappointment and heartache. I didn’t want anyone else to ever get what she had taken from me. I was done with that shit and never wanted it again. Yes, I was being selfish, childish, angry, etc., and not allowing God to work in my heart, I get that and don’t need anyone to tell me that.

Fast forward to September of 2009. I receive a message from this girl, the one that I had never stopped believing to be THE ONE. She wanted to see how I was doing. I spent about three weeks trying to figure out how to respond. Part of me wanted to, and part of me didn’t. So I finally responded. A few weeks after that, we are back together and (at least I thought) better than ever. I figured that since I had never found a reason for our breakup in the first place, that this must have been the reason. We must have needed that year to be apart so we could be ready to be together forever. Well….as what I’ve always feared (and why I NEVER get back with ex-girlfriends), the same fucking shit happened again. Things were amazing, then they got bad, then they got good again for a little bit, then back to shit. Eventually she had had enough again and came to the same conclusion that she did the first time: we just aren’t meant to be together.

A lot of people have been asking me how I’ve been dealing with it, how I’ve been feeling, and how I feel about her, so this is where I’m going to answer all those questions.

How I’ve been feeling:
If you really want to know the truth, then here’s what you need to know. My heart has never felt so much fucking pain in my life. I feel like I have been let down AGAIN. I swore I would never ever let this happen to me again, and I did. Not only did I let it happen again, but by the same fucking person! Are you kidding me?!? It’s just dumb. Now, I don’t want any of you thinking I regret a single second of the past 8 months, because i don’t. I don’t live in regret. I know that we were together again for many reasons, some known, some unknown. Probably the biggest thing I can think of is to reassure me that IT IS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN WITH HER! Something I’ve struggled with for almost two years now. I never believed that it was truly 100% over, and I guess now I at least know that. I also know that I gave it everything I had in me and no less. Beyond all that, I’m heartbroken, and sad, and been back and forth between being an absolute wreck and forgetting that it happened. I catch myself wanting to cry and not being able to because I just don’t know that I have anything left inside. I feel completely alone and empty inside at times (and yes, I’m also well aware of the fact that I’m not, so please, I don’t need to be told that either). I feel lost and scared. I guess most of all I just feel hurt. Hurt that someone who loved me so much, could walk away when I was still willing to put more and more into it. I realize that’s not fair to her for me to say since she can’t defend herself, and I know this wasn’t/isn’t easy for her, but I’m just being honest.

How I’ve been dealing with it:
I haven’t. This is my first real effort in trying to deal with everything I’m feeling inside. I’ve spent the past week in an attempt to forget as much as possible about her, what we did together, and everything that happened. I know that if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have been able to make it through the past 9 days. Sunday night right after it happened I immediately went to the safest place I could, to see my best bud Joey, and mentor David. I held myself together until Joey grabbed me, and from there I couldn’t stop the flood of tears that poured onto his shirt. After leaving Joey’s, I went to my sister’s and just sat and hung out with her and my other dear friend (who happens to be her boyfriend). I just needed to be with people I loved, and whom I knew loved me. I couldn’t think of any better people than that. All day Sunday, leading up to Sunday night, Whit, Fin, and Schwebach were my rocks, helping me dissect what was most likely coming that night. I also have a good friend out west going through something similar who’s been an absolute treasure to me over the past week. She’s helped me process through things without me even really thinking about it because i’ve been watching her process those same things. So I guess really, I’ve dealt with it more than I thought, but at the same time, attempted to distract myself from all of it. Sometimes when the pain of something is so intense, I just shut down and figure, “fuck all that, not worth my time”. But I can’t do that this time like I did last time. If I do, then I’ve learned nothing and just become more of a fool. True strength only comes through brokenness.

How I feel about her:
This is probably the most important thing in all this (at least to some it seems) so hopefully this one gets answered fully. Do I hate her? In no way. Am I pissed about what happened? Yes. But it’s not anger towards her, it’s anger at the situation and that it happened this way. I’m more disappointed than anything. Not necessarily her, but myself. I mean, she just did what she felt was best for her, and I can’t ever blame a person for doing that. One of the phrases I live by is “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do”. I suppose the same would apply to a woman. Ultimately, every person is going to do what they’ve made their mind up to do, and there’s no stopping that. I tried. Maybe I shouldn’t have. Maybe I should have let her walk away when she tried, but I wanted this to work so bad that I wasn’t willing to just let go that easily. One thing you can be guaranteed of is this: I will NEVER say something bad about her. I may give you reasons as to why I feel she left, or tell you how I feel about ways she handled situations that I may not have agreed with, but as painful as her leaving me was, I’m not that person. I guess to finish this part up, here’s the answer to the question no one has asked, that I’m sure everyone wants to know, do I still love her? Of fucking course I do! You don’t just fall out of love with someone because they left you. I don’t care how but I’m hurting inside, my heart still belongs to her, and it probably will until I can find the strength to pull it away. She was my world man, and shit like that doesn’t just disappear. It sticks around.

General summation of everything:
It fucking hurts, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get over this. I never got over it the first time. My nights are haunted by dreams with her. It breaks my heart to even think about her with someone else. Each night is harder and harder to get to sleep, and harder and harder to wake up. I’m so scared of seeing her again. I just don’t know if I could handle it. It kills me inside to not be able to just talk to her, share my day with her, and have her in my arms. Even as I sit here and write this, I just want her here, with me, telling me everything’s going to be alright. But she’s not, and she never will be again. Some people have had these hopeful thoughts that maybe one day I’ll be able to see/talk to her again. No. It’s not happening. She took a piece of me that I know I’ll never get back. I already know that some of you will probably try and tell me, “well…God can do miraculous things, and heals all wounds.” but please don’t. A. that’s not what I need/want to hear right now. B. I KNOW that already, and this has nothing to do with my inability to understand what God can and will do. This is me, being fully human, saying that I know that I can never talk to her again. This was the last time, and this is the last good-bye.

What do you love?

So, my best bud Joey and I have been blessed with an amazing opportunity to be mentored by one of the most influential pastors in my life, David Bell. He heads up the college ministry at Grace Community Church that I interned with last year and have been a part of for just over four years now. We had our first “session” if you will just over a week ago and we spent a majority of the time just hanging out and talking about where our lives where currently. Towards the end of our hour and half or so together David began asking us what we were looking for out of this mentoring experience. Joey and I had a couple different answers, but the one answer that we agreed on was we both wanted to better be able to seek God and look for His guidance on our lives. Our first “assignment” was to read the first three chapters of John five times and write down our thoughts, but another part was to write down the things we truly love and desire. After spending a few hours on Thursday thinking and praying through some of mine, I decided to put them here (in NO specific order) and pose the same question to any of you: what do you TRULY love and desire?

Community/Fellowship: I truly believe that the best vision of God’s Kingdom is through true fellowship and community with people. I don’t believe there is a certain vision of what community and fellowship look like, I think it can be different for different people. For me it looks like surrounding myself with people I love, that love me, or just people who need love (which is everyone just in case you weren’t clear on that one). I long for and absolutely thrive when I am around people in any capacity. Jesus moved between colonies of people, sharing the word of his Father in heaven, blessing and being blessed by everyone he came into contact with. In this same way, I believe this to be true with all of us, we are blessed and a blessing by/on everyone we surround ourselves with.

Brotherhood/Family: A lot of people know my family life is pretty fucked up and I hate to say it so vulgarly, but a friend of mine spoke a truth that I feel rings very true here, “Some things are so vulgar and disgusting that only vulgarities and disgusting can truly express or do the proper justice to them”. Growing up I never really understood what being a family meant (outside of my extended family, who did their best to show me such things), so I became very desperate for “family” and had so many step up in my very fragile teenage years. One however stood out more than the rest, my wonderful Settle family who has literally taken me in as one of their own. I owe SO much to these four amazing people, no words could ever express it. I had the privilege of having Papa Settle be in the baptismal with me a couple months ago, and it still brings tears to my eyes thinking about that morning and how happy I was/am. But over the past couple years it hasn’t just been about finding “family” but also men I could truly call brothers and I have many friends I call “bro”, but I have two guys who definitely deserve true brotherhood status in my heart. I wrote about one of them here back a few months ago and the other is the man I have the honor of being mentored with, Joey. These two excellent dudes have and will always be by my side, and I theirs.

Erika: Just for the record, I did not put Erika on my list because “she reads the blog” or because “I’m trying to be cute” or whatever. The honest to God truth is that I am truly, deeply, passionately, and incredibly IN love with this woman. I COULD sit here and write and write and write WHY this is, but I already did that back in October. I strongly believe that God puts people in our lives to better show us the way that HE loves us, and if there were ever a person that did this exceptionally well, it would be her. There are so many times that I have to humbly ask her for grace and forgiveness, and not that I ever deserve it, she gives it to me. There are also times I DON’T ask for it, yet, she does it anyway. Not that our relationship is all me screwing up, because fortunately it’s not, but in those times where I do, the beauty of unconditional love shines through that much more. Erika has helped me grow and become such a better person over the past 2+ years, both together and apart. I know, without a doubt, that God has put us together for both reasons seen and unseen, and I am SO excited for all of the blessings yet to come.

God: I said that these things were in no specific order earlier, but I lied a little. This one is last for a very key reason: I would in no way understand the other things if I didn’t first understand that God is where all my love for the other things comes from. Without God, and the way He has loved me, I would have no idea what love really looked like and would in turn not be able to share that same love with others. The harsh reality is that none of deserve half of what we have/get, BUT, God has lavished us with compassion and mercy, thrusting His mighty love into our hearts allowing us the ability to do the same with others. God is Love.